Y Sunday, June 18, 2006Y
2:01 AM
18June2006, Sunday
Spent the whole freaking day at home today...No one came looking for me, not even him...I guess this is really the becoming the end of us already...I did cry like I used to in the past, foolishly hoping that he'll always turn up at my doorstep to hug me again...I did shed tears but it's only a little, my heart does aches but somehow not as painful as it is like in the past...I'm back to what I used to be, a loner like all times...I did not even step out of my house until late late night when I finally felt like eating...No proper breakfast nor lunch, just a few breads to munch on then a packet of fried kway tiao at night...Plus my favourite ice kacang...
I really slacked the whole day, or rather rotted...I surfed the net for a almost half of the day then I dropped dead on my bed...Now again, I'm stuck to my laptop cuz there's nothing else I could do, to keep things going on through my imaginative brain...I did not send out any smses to him nor did I called him up...He too, did not call or send a single sms to me...He used to send me a sms whenever he's off from work but sms no more...I had only woke up near 2pm today, and I thought he would appear but now, I'm wide awake and I knew his intentions already...I was just naive to still believe that he would still be the same old him, always having me in his arms...I was foolish to have persisted in believing that he would stick to me forever...I knew that was impossible now...I felt so empty, really empty...A ending to this beautiful story?
I dare not think much about my future and I never will because I'm afraid of failures...Countless times, nothing ever accomplished...I've never felt full, always empty inside my heart...It pains me to see him caring for others, I admit that I'm a selfish person cuz I only wanted him to care for me...I want him to only have eyes for me and do everything for me, to provide for me and always have me as his first piority...Though, he has cared and provided for me, he did not seemed willingly enough cuz he thinks I'm just eating of him...I've been taking care and caring for others, very concerned in about what others think so I always try my best to do things to please them...Now, I just wanted him to do just the same for me, yet he thinks I'm just using him...I've been revolving around other people's lives all these 19years, why cant he do the same for me...
I admit that I'm wildful, I'm stubborn and I do have a bad temper...All that were my feelings which had been held inside me for all these 19years, I never knew a correct way to release them properly...That's why he would always suffered from my unreasonable ways...I don't know who I am anymore...I'm always tired, I really don't know what to do so that I can live on a happy life like the others...I wish I could just drop dead...Everything would stop then, I would'nt have to be a pessismist then...The only thing I can do now, is to just go to sleep cuz sleeping can let me forget everything temporary but when I wake up again...It's time again for me to face the reality, the reality that he no longer provides, cares and stands by me...I need nobody to mend my broken heart, just let it be...