Y Saturday, June 17, 2006Y
4:00 AM
16June2006, Friday
I have had some arguements with Laogong yesterday night after our movie...I knew Laogong had been placing bets on the World Cup ever since it started, but I chose not to believe in it strongly until Laogong started behaving out of the norm...I did'nt had the thought of exposing Laogong inititally but I really could'nt stand it anymore cuz he's been getting bolder, lying to me everynow and then...The worst thing is, Laogong thoughts that I'm all the while in the dark and that he has succeeded in blinding me from the truth as and when he wants...
I questioned Laogong in a nice manner, hoping that he'll tell me the truth without me getting mad...Laogong decided to put on a shield and be braver so he continued lying, even swearing that he has never betted on the World Cup...In the end, we both quarrelled and I just got fed up in the end that I ignored him all the way back to his house...My temper had only went down when Laogong and I went back to my house to sleep...
We only woke up at 3pm, I bathed and changed then woke Laogong up too...We went to the hawer center nearby my house for lunch then went to the "pasar malam" for a short walk...Then as we were about to go off, I asked Laogong if we could go to Jurong Point to play the "Basketball" game at the arcade before he gets home to prepare for work...Laogong began ranting on and on about the stuffs that he was unhappy with, I got mad and argued with him...We reached Jurong Point's arcade shortly, but I was in no mood at all...How could you expect a person who's fumming mad to be normal suddenly? To play games with you??
I did not talk to Laogong at all, then Laogong suggest that we go for a walk instead, I chose to ignore him and walked away...I went to 77street to look at necklaces, I saw a golden bling bling necklace with the word "Love" in the middle...It was really nice, but when I turned to see Laogong standing beside me again...I continued walking...I went to "This Fashion", tried on a black and white stripped top(Ayumi Hamasaki had worn this dress before for her photo shoot)...It looked nice, I showed it to Laogong then he said it looked nice too...I told Laogong that Ayumi had wore this before and he said, if you like it just buy it then...I changed back to my own clothes then asked the sales girl to get me a new one, as just I thought Laogong would pay for it to please me, he merely stood and watched...I remained quiet and paid for it unwillingly...Then we went off...When we've reached Laogong's block, I got off from his bicycle and walked all the way back to my house...Laogong kept telling me to quit playing around with him, but I was'nt!!! I even shouted at him while walking...I really hated seeing Laogong!!! I got home and cried aloud...
It was only yesterday that I've found out, Laogong had lied to me about gambling...Laogong knew that I hated him gambling but he still did it so I took that matter out and quarrelled with him as well...It is not the first time already since Laogong had lied to me, anyone including my own family can lie to me, I don't care!! But why in the hell, does it has to be Laogong? Of all the people I've come to know, why Laogong?? I cried...Even though, Laogong has promised me thrice not to argue with me, if we ever quarrel again but what do I see now? Laogong has done it to me more than thrice, he F*cking lied to me!!! AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN!!! Tell me a very good reason, why the hell should I put my trust in him again??? Laogong says, he only chooses to lie to me because he know and he assumes that even though, if he were to inform me that he wants to gamble, I would not be supportive at all...Yeah, to the hell right, with you are!! I asked Laogong, had'nt I let him place his bets on 4D when he wants to before? Had'nt I let him place bets on soccer in the past and still accompanied him to the betting station, so he could check the scores?? When in the hell, did I not approved him of doing things???? I felt very hurt, sooo hurt that the one person I thought I could rely on, had actually turned out to be a big fat LIAR!!!
I'm still f*cking mad now, though not as mad as I was earlier on but I'm still not gonna forgive Laogong!! I've let Laogong had his ways, a tad too many so I will be firm from now on...Laogong is never gonna keep his words and fulfil them all...A leopard never changes its spots...Sooo true, it is...
What I wanna convey to Laogong:
This is not the first time that you've lied to me!!! You ought to know it better than anyone else!! You've lied to me, secretly using your own CPF to invest in some f*cking stupid investment just because your friend told you too!!! I'm only against it to your own good, but you chose to believe your friend and went ahead with the decision...FINE!!! I know, I'm nobody to you that's why I let the matter rest...
Then, you lied to me again but secretly riding your colleague's bike out to buy supper...Not once but thrice!!!! I got mad because I did'nt want anything to happen to you, also for your own good!!! You should know better than anyone else, cuz of a mistake you've done in the past!! I'm only helping you to get back on the right track, not doing anything wrong but you chose to turn a deaf ear on me again...I only let it go because the third time, you came looking for me and took me on a ride for the first time...You've told me that you really missed me that's why you borrowed your colleague's bike to come look for me...You thought I did'nt know the truth? You always leave clues inside your handphone, that's why I knew again you've lied to me...
Cant you see I'm always turning an blind eye to whatever you've chose to not tell me?? Or do you still think that I'm stupid that's why you can and will continue lying to me!! Sorry, you always tell me Sorry!! I'm also good in pronoucing the word Sorry!! So what, if you've apologised time and again???? You've never once proved to me that you can fulfil what you've promised me to do...How many lies are you going to tell me, to continue covering your naked ass!! Although, I can see that you've quitted smoking in front of me but why is it that I find a packet of ciggarette inside your bag?? You've told me that, those belonged to your colleague and that he had forgotten to take it back...He used your locker because he could'nt find his keys to his own locker...You thought I buy your words???? No!! I only chose, once again to keep quiet cuz I believed in you...I trusted that you would'nt smoke behind my back!! Now? I won'nt and never will believe in you again!!! I could always smell of ciggarette on you after your, you only said it's because you mingle with your colleagues in the smoking area...You don't hafta lie to me, just one word, one word from you that will be enough...You can do whatever you like from then on without me...
I will never put my hands into whatever shit you do or decide...Never will again...Cuz I know, of my status inside your heart...You've never placed me on your piority, I'm nothing to you...I know I don't have the rights to stop you from anything that's why I always choose to believe you but believe no more...I know I'm not even a kin nor wife of yours, we don't even have the same blood running inside our veins...It's alright...I can understand...
You've said that, I don't know that you've been reprimanded by your parents, you had your own problems and stress...I had known nothing but only hindered you all the while, well what makes you think that I had nothing hidden from you??? You've had your family and friends and colleagues to stand by you, even if you've had'nt met me before...Did you ever think of me??? I'm not saying that I need sympathy just because I come from a broken family but does your stress compares to mine!!!!!! I never had a mother to confide my problems to, I've never had a sister which I could talk heart to heart...You had everything!!!! What rights do you think you have, to berate me???? I'm sooo f*cking hurt by your every words!! I knew my words hurt you deeply too, but I had only did it on purpose to make you feel just a quarter of what I've been suffering from, for the past 19years of my life!! You only think that I'm crazy, being unreasonable, only knowing what to get mad...Let me tell you one thing, you don't understand my deepest feelings at all!! You never will, cuz you've never even bothered to...You were only doing things because I told you to...I told you to hug me whenever I cry and you just follow blindly...Each and every time I asked for you to just shut up and listened, you argued more...You've always had your chances to complain and your chances to talk...When was it ever my turn????
I always admired other couples I see on the streets, and in shops...The guys always offered advices and they even chose stuffs for their girl to try on...They were trying hard to be a good adviser, happyily chatting and all...You??? You only know how to say, "YA, nice...Not bad lor, Ok la...Anything la, you decide yourself.." What the f*ck other than these, can you say?? I always see other guys with a happy face whilst accompanying their girlfriends to shop...When was the only time I can see you doing this??? None!! Not even once!! Yet, I never said a thing again because I knew you're tired...You've always told me so, I knew it because you sacrificed your sleeping times just to keep me accompanied...
You only have one day off each week, that's why I demanded we go out everytime on your off day...You only thought that I'm torturing you, preventing you from getting enough rest...Pushing you towards the brink of poor health but did you ever understand why I had insisted on it?? No, you don't!! Yet, you blamed me...I did not wanted another fight so I kept quiet...If we were to stay at your house all the times when you're off, I had to stay under the eyes of your parents...I could do nothing but sleeping together with you, I could'nt even use the computer!! I'm always staying indoors, nobody ever takes me out...Why cant you do so then?? Is such a small wish of mine hard to keep?
I've always told you, that we ain't compatible...It's better that we go our own ways but you always insisted on clinging onto this relationship...I know you love me lots but love alone just is'nt enough...You and I, we are just not deep on enough about each other...We always cant agree on the same thing and never can understand each other...I've already told you long ago but you chose not to listen...I'm only soft-hearted to give in and be with you again and again cuz I trusted you but each time this happens, I only get harder...I can ignore your smses and refrain from replying already...I can stop myself from having the urges to sms you every night now, cuz I know, I only get empty replies...I know I can pull myself away from this, why cant you do it too so I can have my peace of mind...I've always told you that it's hard for me to keep on going, not because I don't treasure this relationship but I know it's only a burden for the both of us...I've given up ever since you've chose to break your promises...I want you to know nothing, but just understand me...I have my own pains, deeper pains which I've never told anyone...NO one!! Not even you nor Ping knows it...I've always had problems at home, did you know as well? I don't think you do, so what makes you think that I will know about what's going on in your family!! I guess the best way for me to have trust in people, is to never get close to people...Only trust thyself...