Y Friday, March 24, 2006Y
11:33 PM
23March2006, ThursdayLaogong and I were both off from work...Had our late lunch at Jurong Point's Long John Silver's cuz Laogong mentioned he had'nt ate that for a very long time...After that, we went to Orchard and window-shopped around...It was so boring...We did not talked to each other, well...I wanted Laogong to chat with me but I was disappointed cuz he did not make an effort to find anything to chat about with me...
I was letting my mind go wild at that time, though we're walking together and Laogong was just by my side accompanying me around...I just felt so empty...Emptiness that is overwhelming...Laogong just seemed so uninterested, everywhere we went...I was always hoping for him to talk to me happily, telling me stuffs about his work but he never did...Whenever I walked into a shop, Laogong would follow behind me...Shortly, I would discover that he had already gone out of the shop...Squatting somewhere outside the shop, waiting for me to come out and proceed to another place to continue doing the same thing...Over, and over and over again...
Suddenly at times, when out together with Laogong window-shopping or shopping, it's like Laogong was never there...Laogong's body is obviously standing by me, but spiritually...He is not with me at all...It always seemed to me that Laogong's soul had wandered off to another place, and that being with me "physically", was enough to satisfy me...I would never fail to sense this when we're out on an window-shopping trip or whatsoever...
So this day, as usual I went into shops to look at clothes, etc...Laogong doing the same thing as I mentioned above...At first, I would asked Laogong for his opinions but then I stopped as Laogong continued behaving in a monotonous way...I was kinda upset and angry at the same time, so I chose to keep mum and ignore him by walking alone...I knew, perhaps Laogong had behaved in this way, was due to his work...Laogong would often over-exhaust himself and never get enough rest...But, why everytime me? I've never seen Laogong behaved in such a manner to his friends...Not even once, but it happened on me...
As soon as, I was done with the window-shopping...Laogong and I went back to Jurong Point on the mrt...I continued ignoring him, even tried to walk away from him...All I thought of, was to get away from him...I needed space to breathe, time to cool down...
When we've reached...Laogong apologised to me, and held my hand...I became "normal" and we went to have our dinner at the newly revamped "KFC"...We've talked quite a bit, but still not much...Our conversations were brief, and we're more concentrated on eating then talking...After that, Laogong brought me to the arcade, where we played "House of the Dead 3"(I supposed so)...From there, we talked more...Laogong was turned "on", he was talking to me more than he did earlier on...
"Game Over" came after a long while, the first time Laogong and I had managed to played farther than before...The arcade was about to close, Laogong and I decided to head back home...On the way back to Laogong's house, we chatted about the game and other stuffs...Even played with each other, tickling each other and stuffs...What I had thought of before, disappeared from my mind for that short period...
Upon reaching, I greeted Laogong's mum and dad as I stepped into the house...Then I went into Laogong's room as always, and waited for Laogong to come in...But, Laogong never came in at all...I was left alone inside the darn room, bored to death and fed up of waiting...I played my PSP, hoping that Laogong would come into the room anytime...The clock ticked and ticked...Laogong never came in...From then, my mind gone beserk again...I was jealous of Laogong and his family, (I overheard Laogong and his family chatting happily) suddenly, the vision of Laogong and his family came into my mind...It really irked me, having to see them so blissed and loving...Maybe, deep down inside my heart, it was more of a envious feeling but somehow it had turned into hatred and jealousy...I wanted to get out of Laogong's room to shout at him, so he would come in and accompany me, but I hesitated...I did not want Laogong's family to have further bad impressions on me, so I did not went out to get Laogong...I waited dumbly inside Laogong's room...
It was then, that I felt more left out than ever...It had almost felt like, I was the only one, the only human being whom existed...All alone, and no one else to let me talk, play, gossip, or cry to...Everything single woe I have, was bottled up inside me...I was feeling crazy, very emotional...I began playing the songs on my handphone, on and off...Laogong knew that I was calling for him, so he came in said a few words then leave me alone again...My head was giddy, I could'nt think properly...I had only knew that my temper was brewing, and it would heat up anytime...Laogong, came in after finishing his stuffs...Asked me, if I was ready to leave and go back to my house...I snared at Laogong, instead of replying his question...Continued playing the PSP although I was giddy...I even argued with Laogong, accusing him for neglecting me, purposefully...Laogong tried to explained but to no avail so he remained slient, and stood one side waiting for me to get up and go off together with him...Only after I was satisfied, did I got up, grabbed my handbag and walked out of Laogong's room...
Laogong took his bicycle along, which was going to be used to fetch me back home...I ignored Laogong, and walked all the way on foot, back to my block...I was totally hot-headed, I could not think straight at all...Only one thing, had came into my mind at that moment...I hated Laogong and his family...I hated Laogong for leaving me out, whenever his friends or family is with him...Though Laogong would always call me "laopo" or "baobei", but next to them...I'm nothing but a "flower vase" that Laogong brings around to show others...
Laogong knew that I was angry, but he had no idea what I was angry over..I even pressed the "close" button when I walked into the lift to stopped Laogong from taking the same lift with me...All this, happended to be witnessed by my dad...I ignored both Laogong and dad...When I got home, I changed and then rested on my bed with the door semi-closed...Laogong did not came into my room, but chatted with dad...Until it was half an hour later, Laogong came in and apologised to me again...Laogong kept asking me what was it, that I was angry about...I kept quiet...After a few futile attempts, Laogong decided to leave...I was totally enraged, I quickly sent a sms to him...Hoping that Laogong would come back again, only to realise that he had left his handphone at my house...
I hid the phone beneath my bloster, but Laogong came back and found it then left again...So, thinking that Laogong was ignoring me, my temper got worst...I threatened Laogong with a suicide sms, telling him to come back within 10minutes...5minutes passed quickly, still no sign of him...I took my keys, a small cutter, my handphone and left my house...Laogong appeared just in time to stop me...
Laogong apologised repeatedly, I kept quiet...Laogong wanted to hold my hand but I struggled off and would always sit in a corner at the stairs near my flat...It went on for, I don't know how long...Laogong, then went to lock up his bicycle and I heard him opening a can drink, gulping from it...Swiftly, I took out the small cutter from my pocket and began to pierce into my wraist...Laogong saw it and immediately snatched it away from me...Laogong began to carry me by force, trying to get me inside my house again..I struggled hard, crying more, my dad and brother staring in despair...Yes, I've been such a disgrace...Two times, Laogong did that...I struggled and walked away...Dad told Laogong to ignore me, and not pamper me...
I cried so hard, that I could'nt care much or less about my mucus flowing continuiously...Laogong, then asked me if I really hated him so much...I did not answer at all but remained quiet, having really thought that I wanted a break up, that I hated Laogong very much...Came a few sentences from Laogong..."I would leave you as you've desired, I would return all your things to you before you go for work tomorro morning, I would return the bicycle and walk back home later, I don't mind, I would disappeared from then on as you wished." I cried louder, harder than ever as I heard that...
I saw Laogong drinking beer, and even heard him cried...I was so upset yet at that point of the time, I was thinking that this might be good...Yes, it's good...It must be, Laogong has finally been able to escape away from my clutches...I would be free again...I laughed and cried, but all these were oblivious to Laogong...After hearing Laogong repeated those words the second time, I totally broke down...Laogong sensed it and then said, he would never leave me...It was then, that I can only feel again that I am important to him...It was always when we quarrel, would I feel that actually I'm important to him...Only then...It's really so painful, that each time only then, can I feel my importance to Laogong...
After all that, I cooled down...Laogong brought me to the coffeeshop near my place, to let me wash up then brought me back to his house to sleep...For that night, Laogong hugged on to me tightly while we slept...