Y Monday, November 14, 2005Y
9:52 PM
14november2005, Monday
I overslept this morning, urm well I'm actually supposed to be meeting Laogong but I was lazy to wake up when my alarm rang...Thus, Laogong came to my house and woke me up instead...*Pouts
By the time I was done and ready to go, it was already 10.30am or later I think...Laogong asked if I wanted any food and I said no cuz my stomach was kinda bloaty, I bought 2packets of drinks instead and a small packet of chips which were a sudden urge of mine to binge on...*heeehehee
At Laogong's house, I told him about the stuffs which I've chatted with Elene and Cindy...Laogong took out his chocolate swirl cake and got me and his sister to eat, then I stopped talking about my outing the day before...After we're done, I followed Laogong into his room and lay on his bed...Laogong began to ask me more about what I've chatted with my "buddies" that day. I kept telling about the stuffs we've chatted about which was mostly about our "relationships"...Laogong blushed when he heard some of the things I talked about with Cindy and Elene, and even said "huh, then next time if they see me, I will kena suan liao loh" *Grins
I laughed sheepishly and ensured Laogong that it was alright then Laogong gave it a pass...
I told Laogong about the "KL" trip which he wants to go, and I ended up sobbing cuz Laogong and I trashed everything out and had a good talk about the things between us...I've never really talked to Laogong heart to heart, but however I did this time round and I poured out my deepest fear and feelings...I really wanted Laogong to understand and I knew that Laogong was also trying to make me understand him...It's not that I don't trust Laogong at all, I did'nt wanted him to go was partly because that I cant bear for him to leave me alone in Singapore...Perhaps, I was too paranoid about it but is this not normal? Laogong just could'nt understand my feelings, and kept insisting that I do not trust him...
[TO : Laogong
Alright then, maybe I did not really trust you or I did not make you felt that I trusted you which was why you've always accused me of that...But had you been putted into my shoes and into the below-mentioned senarios....Would you not be the same like me? Since young you saw your own parents splitting up and then you had to be independent...You grew up with a father, seeing other people with a "complete family"...Yet your mother has never visited you after the divorce with your father...You hold the responsibility to take care of your small brother and nobody will sympathize with you, you had to work hard but could never get recgonised for...You also see your own father with different women who could and always try to be your step-mother but could never feel the love from "them"...You've been in relationships hoping for a miracle, for someone to finally pay full attention to you and only had you in his mind, but only to fail and continue being lonely...
Years later, when you finally can reunit with your mother...All you can see was her with her own family and only "care" for her "new children", she's no longer the mother you had in the past, she treats you like a stranger, a nobody...All these words were my heart-felt words which were never told to anyone as I always felt that I could'nt confide it all to one I can relate to...Do you understand how it feels when your biological mother refuses to see you anymore? Although your grandmother tells you that her "new husband" might be controlling her and stopping her from seeing you again, but can you really believe in it? Can you tell me which mother in this world does this to her real children?
Will you not be afraid that if you've finally met your "fated" one that someday he will leave you? A divorce does not need a specific time to happen nor does a break-up tells you the time that it will happen...I only wanted to feel you with me, by my side, caring for my mental needs not just materialistic needs...I know you always tell me that you've given me everything I've wanted, and yes it's true...But do you know besides all these, all I ever wanted was sense of security from you? I really wanted to get married to you as well, but then after some serious thinking...I guessed we both still have a long way to go in terms of understanding each other...We might not even be sutiable for a marriage yet, and I certainly won't wanna see us breaking up only after we've married...I seriously don't want it to happen...]
Of the above, I typed for Laogong...I managed to only tell him 1/3 or lesser cuz he was too tired after his work...I understand...I'm trying to avoid fights/ quarrels with Laogong since our last one, I really love Laogong very much and the last thing that I would never want to see, was for Laogong to leave me...I want a happy ending for myself and Laogong as well and I believe we will try our best to do it, this is the biggest hope of mine...I want Laogong and me to last...